“Shit I Overheard at my Law Firm” Sentence Starters

the-self-proclaimed-prince:

• “Just read this fucker and take it to court.”
  
• “Tone down your depositions, A-hole.” 
  
• “He may be a buffoon and a fool, but by God he was innocent.”
  
• *grumble grumble* “Sexist bastards.” 
  
• “I don’t want to come into work without teeth!”
  
• “That asshole better stop fucking with my client or else I’m gonna…”
  
• “There are only two pears left. I’m naming them Adam and Eve.”
  
• “Organic seaweed? What the hell is organic seaweed?”
  
• “You asking me fishing?… fuck YES I’m there!”
  
• “When the weather gets hot, I just step out on my back porch and pour water over my head for an hour or two. Works every time.”
  
• “He is an artist. Use of Comic Sans in legal documents is his creative outlet.”
  
• “Throw some Wingdings on that shit.”
  
• “What does a person have to do to get a fucking cob salad around here?” 
  
• “I’m trying to decide if I should go insane and body-pump or go home and sleep.”
  
• “You can’t just ring a bell, un-ring it, and then ring it again.”
  
• “We lost. We lost big time. But it’s okay. I’m good. It’s cool. I’ve got whiskey. I’m good.”
  
• *applying lipstick to go to the gym* “What kind of a crazy woman wears lipstick to the gym??”
  
• “Are you going to shut up and FISH today?” 
  
• “Do you know of any pet friendly cafes? I’m meeting an attorney tomorrow and he’ll have his non-service hunting dog along. Don’t ask why.”
  
• “Publicly, I agree. Personally, I think it’s chickenshit.”
  
• “Keto diet? Is that like for chemo? Ohmygod do you have cancer?!??”
  
• “I don’t have a circle on mine. Where’s my circle?”
  
• “Don’t judge my printouts. Paper is a renewable resource.”
  
• “The stapler has been compromised.” 
  
• “You know that one case? The one with the person from the company whose doing some crazy stuff?”
  
• “I wasn’t fishing. I was lawyer-ing. Much less exciting.”
  
• “For a priest, he’s kind of an asshole.”
  
• “Brownies and bourbon? Sounds like my kinda party!”
  
• “I got a bottle of whiskey calling my name so I may not be back here tomorrow morning or ever.”