Dick: *tells a joke*
*silence*
Dick: Okay, but when it’s about my life, everyone laughs.
——————–
Jason: I’m really trying, and it’s just not working.
Tim: There is no try. Only do.
Jason: I don’t think Star Wars is really going to help me right now.
Tim: *scoffs* Shows what you know.
Dick: You know, I’m proud he got that reference.
——————-
Jason: *messes up*
Bruce: *addresses the younger kids* Okay, he’s older. That means you should all learn from his mistakes or risk being just as much of a fuck-up.
Jason: Dad!
Bruce: *raises an eyebrow*
Jason: *sighs* It’s true.
——————-
Bruce: Okay Tim, you need some sleep.
Tim: You know, I’ve got enough problems in my life without you shoving your mainstream ideals and corporate agendas down my throat.
Bruce: …?
Tim: Yeah, goodnight.
———————
Dick: Okay, but if cotton shirts shrink when they get wet, does that mean sheep shrink when they get wet?
Jason: Bro, sheep produce wool.
Dick: Really?
Jason: Cotton comes from a fucking plant.
Dick: *in a small voice* So…sheep….don’t shrink…..when they get….wet….?
Tim: I think your brain shrinks when it gets wet.
———————–
Damian: *walks into the kitchen at 12:00 a.m.* *sees Dick laying on the table crying*
Damian: So this is adulthood.
*like a month after that*
Damian: *walks into the kitchen late at night again* *sees Jason sitting in front of the fridge just staring while holding a jug of milk*
Damian: Is this like a thing? Does every adult in this family have mental breakdowns in the kitchen late at night?
Bruce: You’ll understand it someday.
Damian: *turns the light on* *sees Bruce sitting on the counter with a single piece of bread*
Damian: What was I born into?
———————–
*at McDonald’s*
Dick and Jason: *get their own food*
Tim and Damian: *have to share*
Damian: Dad, that’s not fair. Why do we have to share?
Jason: Because we’re older, nimrod. We’ve paid our dues.
Dick: Yeah. I’m older than all of you. Dad had to raise me before he knew what the fuck he was doing.
Bruce: Jokes on all of you. I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
———————
Jason: *ruins the end of a movie the others haven’t seen*
Dick: You know, there’s a special place in hell for people like you.
Damian: Yeah, it’s this family.
——————–
*at the pediatrician’s*
Bruce and Damian: *waiting for the doctor*
Bruce: *starts opening the cabinets* *finds the latex gloves* *starts stuffing them in his pockets*
Damian: Um, Dad? What are you doing…?
Bruce: I use these when I’m working. I like the ones from my doctor better. These are all meant for small hands.
Damian: Well maybe you shouldn’t be stealing from your son’s pediatrician then—or your doctor for that matter.
Bruce: Maybe your pediatrician shouldn’t have such small hands.
Damian: That is so not the problem with this situation.
(I know Bruce is hella rich, but my fam isn’t. lolol)
——————-
*getting free samples from the store*
Bruce: Okay, Jason take your jacket off and go up there again. She’s elderly and will probably think your someone else.
Jason: *rolls his eyes* *goes anyway*
Dick: Dad, that is horrible.
Bruce: Do you want lunch son?
Dick: Yes?
Bruce: Okay then. Roll your shorts up, put your hair in a ponytail, and pretend you’re my daughter.
Tim: We’re all going to hell.
———————
Dick, Tim and Jason: *fighting over what movie to watch*
Damian: *gives a suggestion* *gets ignored*
Dick, Tim and Jason: *keep fighting*
Damian: Hello!
Dick, Tim and Jason: *still ignore him* *still fighting*
Damian: I DEMAND ATTENTION, YOU ASSHOLES!
Dick, Tim and Jason: *turn to Damian in shock*
Damian: That’s right. I am capable of speaking. I may be the youngest, but I still exist.
———————-
Jason: Hey, Dick?
Dick: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE TO DIE!
Jason: What’s wrong with him?
Tim: Someone ate all the Lucky Charms.
———————-
Jason: How do you know when a fish is dead?
Dick: That’s an ominous question.
Jason: But like, how do you know?
Dick: I don’t know. Usually if they’re upside down at the top of the water.
Jason: So…laying at the bottom of the bowl all pale and colorless probably means dead, right?
Dick: JASON WHAT DID YOU DO?
Jason: I DON’T KNOW! I think I fed him too much. I mean, he just kept eating. I figured he was just that hungry!
Dick: Damian is going to kill you.
Jason: This is like his fifth fish. How attached could he have been, really?
———————–
Damian: I thought I said that this family was banned from going anywhere near my fish. Why do you all keep killing my pets? Dad freaking swallowed one!
Jason: Wow Dad. I just overfed one. At least I didn’t eat it.
Bruce: That wasn’t my fault! You shouldn’t be putting them in water bottles!
Damian: I WAS CLEANING HIS BOWL!
———————–
Tim: Why is the world against me?
Damian: Is that rhetorical or would you like me to answer?
———————–
Dick: *wakes up* I really feel like today is going to be a good day.
Dick: *spills his bowl of cereal on himself*
Dick: I’m going to go to bed now.
Bruce: Dick, you just woke up.
Dick: Well the world doesn’t seem to care!
————————
Tim: Can you have a midlife crisis at 17?
Damian: I don’t even think I’ll make it to 17.
Jason: I’m pretty sure I died the day I turned 19.
Dick: I’ve been having a midlife crisis for the past three years.
Tim: So that’s a yes.
————————
Bruce: I miss being young and childless.
Jason: As your child, that’s just so nice to hear.
————————-
Bruce: Why aren’t you in school right now?
Dick: Dad, why does life feel like an endless abyss of self-loathing and humiliation?
Bruce: …
Bruce: I’m just going to call and say you have the flu.
Batfam as things my fam has said
Published
Gay Ryan 