Ok so I was looking for historical slang terms for penis (gotta be era-accurate when writing vintage dick jokes) and I came across….something
some linguist compiled a literal timeline of genitalia slang–a cock compendium, if you will–that dates back all the way to the fucking 13th CENTURY. This motherfucker tracked the evolution of erection etymology through 800+ years, because if he doesn’t do it, who else will? Thank you for your service, Johnathon Green.
Some of my favorites include:
Shaft of Delight (1700s)
Womb Sweeper (1980s)
Master John Goodfellow (1890s)
Nimble-Wimble (1650s)
Corporal Love (1930s)
Staff of Life (1880s)
Spindle (1530s)
As good as ever twanged (1670s)
Gaying Instrument (1810s)
Beef Torpedo (1980s)
and last but not least, the first recorded use of the word Schlong, which was in 1865 CE. Tag yourself, I’m Nimble Wimble
And are the lovely ladies feeling left out? not to worry! Johnathon’s got you covered, gals, because he also made one for vaginas. Highlights:
Mrs. Fubb’s Parlor (1820s)
Poontang (1950s)
Spunk Box (1720s)
Ringerangroo (1930s)
Ineffable (1890s)
Itching Jenny (1890s)
Carnal Mantrap (1890s – a busy decade apparently)
Bookbinder’s Wife (1760s)
Rough Malkin (1530s)
Socket (1460s)
and a personal favorite, crinkum-crankum, circa approximately 1670.
Everyone in the comments talking about how a woman is born with all her eggs and has them her whole life but a sperm cell is only made maybe a couple of days before conception and now all I can think of is that one really weird week, right before Edward and Bella get married, where Jacob is freaking out because he finds Edward smoking hot out of nowhere and that’s why he was being weird at the wedding.
Zuko’s scar is different than the typical villain’s scar bc it’s not an ambiguous sign of past violence but an explicit symbol of his father’s abuse – rather than making him seem tougher for no reason it shows that at his heart he’s just a traumatized child and not a villain at all. In this essay I will
genres are OUTDATED. i sort my music by thottiness, jammability, rebelliousness, theatricality, and depression.
the emo trinity’s average song stats
mcr
fob
patd
as you can see, no one really touches patd for thottiness, but mcr is the only viable choice for an apocalypse anthem. fob is the most well-rounded of the three, but given that they have neither depression, thottiness, nor rebelliousness above an 8 they can occasionally fall shallow philosophically speaking.
‘but where is gayness on this chart?’ you ask, like a moron. rebellion, theatre, thothood, jamming, and depression are the five component parts of every gay worth their salt. next question.
Gay Ryan 